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7 August 2025 20:37my involuntary unwillingness to do anything has apparently mutated into just being too distractable to get anything done on time. i'm late so goddamn often it's concerning.
i got a joint scar-revision/breast-aug surgery done recently, and (surprisingly) i actually feel good about my body for once. the head-scar is healing nicely, but at the moment it's really getting in the way of my nicotine addiction.
or shit-- i mean my nicotine addiction is getting in the way of my scar healing.
i've gotten HEAVY into US politics. which is bizarre considering i'm not even American. at the very least, my province does seem to lean more American than most in terms of policy, so i guess it matters. but whatever. TRUMP. that's all i really have to say. lately, watching US politics has been like watching the history channel around Remembrance Day. i'd really like to see the looks on the faces of all those people who laughed when people said Trump was the new Hitler. guy's bringing back the late-Weimar Republic. crazy stuff.
but regardless, i've been stressed as all hell. the idea of being right next door to a literal fascist country is one thing, but being in a place of that neighbor country that's more like Austria to Germany than it is England. if there's one place more likely to join the republicans in their fight to 'save America', it's Alberta.
that's why i've been smoking again.
another note. i got into a fender bender and the insurance company valued it SO fucking expensive it was TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS more than we BOUGHT IT FOR. so now. i don't even know if i have a car. fuck.
not enough
7 August 2025 20:20i'm never enough even when i've reached my peak
i'm a failure
i've failed myself just like i
i lost my chance; it slipped right from between my fingers.
sometimes it feels like i dropped it.
like someone bumped me and, while i had a chance to recover, i just let it go.
i feel pathetic for it.
all those days spent doing next-to-nothing, afraid of something that wasn't there.
god i wish that i could've just left that place when it all happened.
i was a fool for thinking i could fight through it; for thinking it'd get better.
i'm weak.
but more than that, i'm an idiot.
an idiot who thought i could overcome the pain and misery.
was it me? was i the issue?
i need to smoke. or go hang out with someone.
i just need to forget about my problems for a day or two.
do i really look the way i want to?
am i happy with myself?
i feel like i'm not enough. like i'm only half-assing it.
fuck it. i'm gonna make a plan. and i'm gonna do the fucking plan.
i know what i wanna look like. i know how to get there.
i don’t care how hard it'll be. i'm gonna fucking do it.
fuck it. fuck you. fuck me. fuck everything.
we're all gonna die, but my life only ends once i do.
i just want to start this off by saying that the first episode of Lazarus is the best episode of anime—from this generation—that i have ever seen.
the episode starts out with an amazing premise: almost the entire world population will die from the side effects of a panacea drug within one month, but with a single stipulation—if the someone can find it's elusive creator, he will give them the only cure.
i watched this blind, but when the plot was explained i was a little skeptical that it would turn out well. it's really hard to make something like that world well without flopping midway through—but considering the all-star set of people working on the anime, that seems highly unlikely. from what i've heard so far—not only is the director the same guy who did Cowboy Bebop, but they also have the choreographer for all 4 John Wick films, and the publisher is Adult Swim.
this anime is beautiful—every shot is a work of art. it seriously looks like they animated this on cels, which is an absolute godsend in this era of anime. if they actually did, and those cels are for sale, i'm probably going to be dropping a significant amount of cash on at least one. it's got a grounded, cyberpunk feel to it. the way the main character, Axel Gilberto, traverses through the city reminds me of the best parts of one of the award winning Mirror's Edge, one of my favorite games.
the music is on point, it more bebop jazz, which i HIGHLY love. it fits the scenes perfectly, making the fight and chase scenes feel exactly like Cowboy Bebop did. and the ED is an amazing song too.
as for the characters, i'm in love with practically every single one. the way they were introduced felt so natural that i was actually pleasantly surprised when i realized they'd all be working together. the way that was executed gives me extremely high hopes. Axel is so much fun to watch—his amazing, badass, 'charismatic criminal' demeanor is reminiscent of Spike Spiegel—even just listening to him talk to people was entertaining. i also need to say that the tech-girl is so cute, i love her already. and i'm so happy they actually have a diverse cast like Black Lagoon did—including a black character that ACTUALLY looks black for once (lol).
the fight scenes are amazing to watch. not only is the choreography on point—as per the choreographer—but it feels so smooth and natural it's almost mesmerizing. i'd watch them forever if i was able to.
the setting and the way they approached it was amazing. like i said above, the city is so pretty, and every shot could be a killer wallpaper, just like in Better Call Saul. the mix of cyberpunk and futurism was so fascinating, it was like seeing Cyberpunk 2077 for the first time, all over again. the shot of that huge tower in the center of Babylonia City even gave me the same vibes i got from seeing Mirror's Edge for the first time too. seriously, i can't wait to see more.
TL;DR: imagine someone took the setting, vibe, and artistic beauty of Cowboy Bebop, the setting of Mirror's Edge and Cyberpunk 2077, the world-wide race-to-the-finish plot of Ready Player One, and the budget of one of the biggest publisher in the west, and put that into a blender—giving you a holy puree of infinite wonder.
i really hope it keeps this up, because if it does, it'll most definitely be the best anime of the decade by a LONG SHOT.
please do watch it, they're only on episode two at the moment, so it won't be hard to catch up. i promise you will not doubt it.
wtaf is happening
14 April 2025 20:32i feel so fucky rn. i've got a headache and I'm hungry as fuck right now. i haven't eaten yet today, so i think that part's pretty obvious. my headache is probably something to do with the lack of water i've drunk lately.
i have things i need to do—packing and writing emails, for one—but for some reason, i don't have the strength to do that right now.
i can't say i feel lucky. this isn't a privilege. i wish i could just find the energy somewhere—get this shit over with. but everywhere i look i just find more exhaustion. what from, exactly? i have no fucking idea.
it's a stress response—or, at least, according to the counsellor. she's like, "too much stress in my life could make me feel like nothing is worth it". and like, yeah no shit, but i can't say the stress i'm feeling right now is from stuff i can control.
the majority of the stress i'm feeling right now is from the 'situation' in the US regarding the newest dictator in the americas. like, i totally called that one 3 months ago. now Adolf Trumpler is sending people to Guantanamo Bay over dropping a pin. i know i'm not in any danger in Canada, after all, it looks like all the shit the US government is giving us has trashed the conservative's PR for the whole decade—so i don't have to worry about any bathroom bills passing up here any time soon.
regardless, my life isn't gonna get any easier if i keep up my shitty rapport around being "useless". i should probably start taking control of what i can—steer hard-to-port before i crash into the depression iceberg again. i can't have another cycle like this, especially at a time like now with all the shit that could go down if i don't do anything.
in other news—not relating to the world forum or whatever-the-fuck—looks like i got a boob-job lined up for next summer!! i'm excited as fuck to flaunt my shit with all the outfits i'll be wearing. you can bet your ass i'll be rocking the no-bra + baggy t-shirt combo at every opportunity. when i get there, i'm gonna just go for whatever the biggest shit that looks good is—i'm thinking D's, like the Kanye song.
for some reason i feel better when i'm in YYC—maybe it's my own home, maybe it's the feeling of no expectations, i don't know. but i'll be there soon.
Regardless of how I define what's good or bad for me, anything I do always ends up making me feel no joy or fulfilment—nothing feels worth it anymore. The only emotion I get concerning my productivity is the stress and fear I get from not doing something I know I should have.
Finding the willpower to start a task is much too haphazard to me. The level of strength I feel at any given moment is rather volatile—on some days I'll have no energy at all, on others I have more than enough of it. Typically, on any random day, I'll either be productive, or I won't leave my room.
Even so, when I actually do something, I never feel happy or content when I'm done—save for short-term dopamine rushes that I get from some tasks, like eating or smoking.
Anything that would normally bring the average person some happiness when completing—such as coming home from work, or finishing a project—brings me no joy whatsoever.
The only time I'll feel anything significant, is when I don't do something—forgetting the laundry, not taking out garbage bags, not packing for flights, and much more. Consistently, I'll be pissed at myself for not doing anything, but do little to correct the action in the future. I might—rarely—make a note of it, but it never leads anywhere.
I feel like I'm hitting my head on a brick wall, trying to get myself to even leave the building to get food—I've starved myself more than once in the last week alone because of this. It's infuriating. But the negative emotions never make me feel vindicated enough to actually act on them.
Everything that matters to me now are cheap thrills and quick dopamine rushes—and even those have felt weaker lately.
i fucking hate when bitches are like, "i'm straight, but i wish i was gay~". like what the fuck does that even mean? you wish the fairy-godmother of gayness would've casted the gay spell on you? you know they don't actually mean they wish they were attracted to the same sex. what they actually mean is that they want to 'act' like a gay person.
they think that being gayness goes hand-in-hand with some other positive feature, and act like being straight is just a handicap. white people do the same thing with other races, and the neurotypical with neurodivergence.
their dumb idea of what a gay person simply MUST act like is only a stereotype. even if it's a positive one. this treatment can be towards literally any group. when someone puts a smile on while saying something inflammatory, it's "friendly discrimination". that's what my high-school english teacher (the only black man at the school) called it. someone who isn't subjected to it might think that the stereotype is a good thing. desirable even. but being on the short end of the stick is just a sick joke at times.
when a cisgender person says something along the lines of, "oh, i'd love to be in your place, i always wanted a dick", i cringe. even if you had half of the experience i do, you'd deeply regret wish that.
can you imagine losing almost all of your connections in life just because you "weren't the person you said you were", based on that dick?
would you like to be treated like a predator for simply acting like a normal person?
do you want to have the threat of having your skull caved in with a fire extinguisher because you had a few old photos in your house your boyfriend saw when you weren't home?
Angie Zapata's killer waited 38 hours in her apartment for her to come home, just so he could beat to death the woman he said he loved. only to brag about it afterwards.
you want that? likely not.
most people will just go "but you get my point right?" as if it does shit. that doesn't do anything. your point is you're weak to stereotypes and preconception. people who are weak to that are the most likely to fall for conspiracies and the shit alt-wingers say. if you were pressed even a little further i'd bet that you also believe in some other, equally crazy shit.
please, for the love of everything in this fucked-up world, just treat people the same. no benefits, no doubts. like the motto of the goddamn country you love so much, just treat people as individuals for once. fuck.
wasting days
30 January 2025 20:30and i feel like i've wasted them way earlier than i should.
sometimes it'll be after the sun sets. which is fairly early where i live; only mid-late afternoon.
sometimes it'll be right after classes end for the day. even if those classes end at, like, 2:30.
on occation it feels that way from 10:00 in the morning. like there's no chance right from the get go. i keep thinking, "do you really think you'll be ready to go outside by noon? are you not aware of how much you procrastinate?
you can't do shit until it's far too late. you know that.
…so give up."
there's no real point in doing anything anyways.
with canada being poland to the Patriot's Little Fourth Reich across the border, plus the frightening conduct of the likely next PM for Canada, PP Pierre, my rights aren't exactly as insured as they should be. frankly, i'm utterly terrified. and i feel betrayed that my dad still loves the conservative party so much. no matter how much i talk to him about it, he doesn't want to change.
i stopped trying a while ago. i know he'd never change his opinion on something like this. but i can't help feeling like my own father values his financial security over my fucking human rights. it feels fucking awful.
he acts like this isn't a huge thing, like there's no big deal behind a conservative PM. how doesn't he see how obviously this is going to end up?? with how Trump his treating his new dictatorship in the US, it's obvious any right-wing leader over here is going to be about as useful to equality as it'd be with Trump's hand up its ass, Warsaw-Pact-style.
i feel genuinely trapped. i don't know what to do. my therapist keeps canceling on me and i feel like the whole universe is trying to get me to CTB.
i feel utterly defenseless right now. like a tiny little leaf in fucking hurricane katrina. i'm so small and insignificant it's actually laughable.
getting involved gets me depressed, but i know that not getting involved is going to lead to my erasure.
i think i have a pretty big decision to make right about now. i either sink into the background, and pretend that this isn't going to affect me, or i get loud as fuck.
i don't know which one is better.
i need a few percs.
There was also a female version of one of my friends from middle school too. Specifically a boy I had a crush on. I was so unsure about the marriage I was just about to have, that I was almost flirting with her as soon as I could. I stopped though because I'm not stupid enough to actively cheat at my own wedding. That's just stupid.
I also remember the girl I was being married to looking a hell of a lot like Rita from Dexter. Whatever the hell that means (lol).
Other than that, a very uncomfortable dream. Although I do specifically finding a little comfort i it, despite the extremely suspicious 'bulk-wedding' that was organized by some third-party that I couldn't interact with. In fact, it felt quite dystopian. Like I was being forced as a part of a government program to get people married early so they could pump out babies early.
At some point in the dream, I considered just letting the marriage happen, and I felt awful. Like this surge of dysphoria that made me really unhappy. Maybe this is my subconscious trying to tell me to go after less hetero-normative relationships? It would relate to how my love life is going in real life right now. Not only do I have multiple possible relationships I can go down at the moment, but I'm stuck between which one I want.
There's one girl who's extremely androgynous (she's as hot as the men in Japanese host-clubs for reference), and she's really cute. She's really queer and actually had a stint where she was trans-masculine to try it out, but it didn’t feel quite right; at the moment she goes by any pronouns, so she could be a boyfriend or a girlfriend, or even both. I love being around her, but I'm not sure if she feels the same. That’s the only issue I see there.
There's another girl, I know she likes me, and she is smoking hot. Like seriously I'm so surprised that someone so hot was actually interested in me to begin with. The only thing is that her last relationship was really abusive, and she didn't want to get into another right away. I agreed that I didn't want to take advantage of her vulnerability at the time so we both agreed to not get into anything yet.
The third option is actually a boy; an emo, scene boy. And he is hot. He's actually really cute like the first girl. He's also bi, so I don't have to worry about him not accepting me as a tomboy-ish girl. But with me being the only other scene on campus, we're sorta like the 'prom-king & queen' position; so no doubts about getting together at this rate. He also loves the same music as me, which is a BIG thing for me. I need someone with the same music interests as me, especially 'cause I usually listen to really heavy stuff. Another, very important thing, is that I invited him to my band… and he accepted. I get giddy like a 10-year-old girl when I think about the fact that I'll being playing music in-front of him at some point, so maybe this is the best path for me.
But the dream makes me think that I should be really sure about who I decide to go out with in the end. Or maybe it's just trying to tell me to try multiple relationships before I marry anyone? Probably just that marriage is a government scam; something people want me to do early and at the same time as everyone else, so that I can fit in just like Dexter does.
I'll be steering clear of diamond rings and white dresses for a while.
I don't know if it's the stores inside it, the hulking exterior, the nostalgic atmosphere, or just the feeling of abject purpose that gets woven into your brain by the advertising. But it feels better around the mall.
I'm a little ashamed consumerism makes me feel good, but I don't really care at the end of the day. Other malls don't do this for me, though. So there's that at least. Regardless, I always feel better after a trip there.
I can remember going Christmas shopping there with my mom. Although, I desperately wanted to go back home when I was little, no matter the circumstance. I don't know if who I am now makes me want to spend more time outside, but I still wish I enjoyed it a little more as a kid.
Those days were really the last time I could really be 'care free.' Now it's all budgets and thinking about how much a trip will cost me. It's not fun. Sometimes, I'll just get an itch to go somewhere, and I'll end up at Chinook one way or another.
I feel like there's a draw to that place that I've felt for the majority of my "adult" life. Maybe it's to fufill that desire I have to enjoy it more. Or maybe I'm just reading into it too much.
i should have seen this coming, especially because she had talked about going back before. but i guess i also forgot about how shitty the Canadian housing market is right now.
i have only a little under a week in Vic left, then i'll be home for winter break until january. we agreed to do something music related before she had to go, but i'm doubting it's going to happen now.
everything feels so useless at this point. more issues and problems that i know i'm the one responsible for.
this sucks.
i think almost every post i feel the need to justify this. simply put, i want to post more. i either just don't give myself the time to, or i'm too depressed to feel like it's worth anything.
even still, i wouldn't know if i get anything out of these on a good day. usually the urge to journal dies almost immediately after it appears. before i can even walk half way to wherever my computer is to go on dreamwidth.
there's like 10 unposted entries in the notes app of my phone. but i never get around to posting them because the drive i need to continue writing an entry only goes for as long as i have it open; the second i close the app, it's gone. it makes me feel worthless. and stops my efforts to start another because i never like being cluttered. even though i know that i'll never finish the half-finished entries i have stocked up right now.
everything feels cluttered lately. my (temporary) dorm room gets messier by the day. and although it's been relatively the same for a while, i can't seem have everything tidy enough.
but at the same time, i hate tidy. it feels sterile. inhumane. tidy makes me feel like i'm in a hospital, or an office.
one of those buildings where the only thing you can focus on is the people inside it. and while you're alone you just have to think.
i hate thinking.
every time something forces me to think about myself, i reach one of two conclusions: 1) "i haven't achieved anything", or 2) "i'm too boring to even think about".
that's not 'healthy', but it's impossible to think otherwise for me. i'm just not a 'healthy' person.
what does 'healthy' mean anyways?
does it mean you outlive all the cool ways to die and end up getting dementia and rotting away in a nursing home? because it sure sounds like it does.
how are we supposed to think that growing old is good if it looks so shitty? i'd rather die young than have to deal with my own flesh failing me as i'm forced to realize what i've already done as all i'll ever do.
aging is just like dying; but slower. drawn out so much that every movement hurts and every day feels like your last. seeing people age just makes me want to die faster.
...
i really should be doing homework right now.
well, that's at least what i was told i should be doing. not that it actually makes me want to do homework in any way. it's just that it's almost 11pm and i have an exam tomorrow that i only know 50% of the vocab for.
shit-- i think i'm running out of things to say. i'm going to do homework anyways.
anything to fill the void, i guess
because of me skipping so many classes, i'm majorly behind on practically all of my classes. gender studies more than any of them though. i don't know why i took that class; it doesn't work for any of my goals and it isn't fun at all. it's more work that it's worth actually. but the other classes are fine.
like i get ready, i usually end up a little behind, but even then i'll skip the whole class for some reason.
i don't like this but it feels avoidable sometimes.
Jecka's phone
29 September 2024 19:26at first i just thought it was just a hot pink RAZR V3, which was close, but not quite it. the color in the game (and in the game files) is a little lighter than the hot pink color irl, not to mention the inside is silver. so that meant going back to the drawing board.
next i figured that it might be a RAZR V3m, which was like a special model in a really light pink color and with the silver interior. but i realized pretty quickly that wasn't it either, both cuz the pink was too light and that the back camera had a bevel around it that wasn't like anywhere in the game.
when i thought it'd be a mystery, i found it. in flipside, Jecka has a pink and silver RAZR V3, which is a specific shade that's actually JUST off of what the V3m and the hot pink ones have. now i'm combing through the ones on ebay to find one that's unlocked and working to buy.
my wallet isn't going to like this... (lol)
my ugly soul
11 September 2024 11:29i have no idea why i hate myself so much to get to this point. i feel like my i can't even show my face without either being plastered or stoned or just high of regular drugs. i'm not addicted to anything. but i can't seem to live without believing i'm some sort of monstrosity that shouldn't be outside.
i need a new therapist. and some vape pods. benzos too.
fml
...i think.
as soon as i got up, i tried to get out of bed quickly. i ended up getting sucked into tiktok for about an hour, but i had anticipated that so it wasn't a huge problem. once i broke free from the firm grasp of morning-bedrotting, i went to grab my bag and prepare a few textbooks in there so i didn't have to worry about it later. as i was doing this, my guitar, which i have had for 5+ years and love to death, fell forward and hit the ground. her head snapped clean off.
i was distraught. i bought that guitar way back when, and got it for the cheap since it was used, though extremely lightly. plus it was a model that wasn't being produced anymore. it's an epiphone SG Pro, which is a budget model, but the pickups sound almost identical to the ones on Les Pauls, which makes it sound beautiful.
regardless of how she sounded, she was dead. and i killed her. but i couldn't dwindle on that for long, i needed to get ready.
i had a shower. it was whatever. not terrible, but far from perfect. every time someone flushed a toilet or turned on a faucet on any level of the building, the temperature jumped and then plummeted. this meant that every now and again, you would feel like boiling water was being dumped on you for a fraction of a second. i literally jumped every time this happened.
after the shower i said to someone there, who i assumed was a friend of mine, that "my guitar was dead". i didn't have my contacts in, so i couldn't see shit, but of course it was the one girl on my floor i hadn't met yet. and of course she didn't speak english as her first language. she literally asked "who's 'my guitar'" like someone actually died. but i don't blame her. names are by-far the most confusing thing to decipher when it comes to second languages. i also worded it like someone died on purpose so it's kinda completely my fault. but whatever.
well i can say that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, my ass was overreacting about being unprepared in the last post. i dunno if i was just really emo at the time or not, but i can go to class just fine. i do think that i need to re-organize my classes so that they aren't so back-to-back. especially because socio and bio are right after eachother. especially because biology (which is first) absolutely sucks in terms of enjoyment.
socio was fun as fuck though. the prof was a cynical millenial, Shoe0nHead type guy who made the class feel more like a comedy show for post-modern bitches like me. i loved that. i will be keeping that class on my schedule for sure.
the last class i had that day was Japanese. it was very mediocre, but i expected that because i did so much pre-studying. it was mostly stuff to do with learning hiragana, but i've already practically mastered kana (minus fluent sight-reading), so it was pretty boring. didn’t mean it wasn't slightly enjoyable though. the prof is a Japanese woman who has a bit of an "Engrish" accent, but that didn't make problems though, after all, the Japanese prof is teaching Japanese, not English. she's quite nice and isn't that strict (in terms of professor strictness), so she's completely bareable. very nice.
the only thing that SUCKS about that class is amount of neckbeards and weebs in that room. but a few cool people were dotted around, including an actually HANDSOME guy who was just leaning cause he watched a few animes as a kid AND his grandma is Japanese.
the weirdos though… oh my FUCK. one sat TWO seats away from me, and i could SMELL his not-showered ass from where i was. it was so bad i moved a seat farther to get away from it. the girl i sat next to then was cool though. not sure why she chose the class because she seemed normal, but i gave her some tips on telling apart some of the hiragana so we a lil cool now.
to be completely honest, i wasn't expecting there to be many NORMAL people there though. well, i mean there WASN'T. but there was a good 50/50 split between the weirdos and normal people.
the people who started talking in broken Japanese right off the bat i could tell would be IMPOSSIBLE to deal with if i sat next to them, but fortunately the number of empty seats will not make that a problem. most of them probably think they either look cool for it, or will gain some level of respect from the one Japanese native in the room, furthering whatever shallow goal of "becoming Japanese" they think they can achieve. i don't see the point. like SURE, one Japanese person who teaches Japanese is aware YOU know a little more than the other people in the class, but it's not gonna make you asian or something.
after that i got a few things i needed from the bookstore, a few things from the cafeteria for lunch, then went back to the dorm. it's been HOT as FUCK lately, so i did everything in my power to look like i didn't just run a 10k. turned on the fan to max, got out the handheld-fan, closed the blinds, turned off most of the lights and even took off my pants for a while to get a little cooler. NOTHING here has AC because of "tHe eNvIrOnMeNt" so FUCK human comfort i guess. but again, whatever, looking good requires some sacrifices i guess.
i did some laundry, and got some things done, but other than that there wasn't a lot to do. apparently there was a sports game on the campus and people were coming back from the match at the time, so there was a lot of people getting drunk and stuff. but i was super chill.
i'm gonna need to hit up a friend to see what i can do to pass the time this weekend. looks like theres a few more sports games so i might go there just for the alc and parties and stuff. but other than that, not much to do in Victoria.
(no subject)
5 September 2024 17:50in terms of fun, things are going good. my dorm is extremely small compared to the newer ones, so i've already met like 90% of the girls on my floor. that has made it extraordinarily easier to get invited to functions inside of the dorm, and hear about the ones outside of it. so i've already been to a party despite not even being there for a single class here.
on that note, i missed my entire first day of classes because i had my days mixed up. it was just the orientation day, and no real lessons were taught, so i didn't really miss anything important. but because i didn't actively choose to do it, i just feel stupid.
i feel like i'm going to miss the second day because of how early the classes start. i haven't had to get up that early in a while, and since then the amount of time it takes for me to get ready only got longer because of how complicated i decided to get with it. on the advice of my mom, i have done a few 'mock days', where i'll get up early and see how long it takes for me to get ready. but i still don't feel ready. but i'm not even sure what ready would look like.
my anxiety is right back to where it was five years ago. and it's getting hard to deal with it. i think i'm more depressed than i have been in a while. but that's not new, or that hard to deal with, it's just annoying. i'm sleeping like twice as much now, and going out is hard once again. but not new. what is new though is a new method of dealing with it. BC drugs! the shit is crazy here, like much crazier than Calgary. i'll just have to get a friend to tell me who they might know who might know a person for it, but that can wait until i run out of what i brought here.
what's also annoying is that my mom has made me promise not to go anywhere alone. it isn't hard, especially since there's practically nothing to do in Victoria. but now i feel even more nervous going to the store alone. or even leaving the dorm. i know it makes me a bit a of a bitch for blaming that on her, but it's true. i get worked up over little things like this. just as it's happened every time before, it will get better. i'll get used to it. and then i can go back to doing emo solitary day trips to random places to smoke or vape or whatever. lol.
like the whole world just says "oh you were almost happy for once? well FUCK YOU then" and throws something at you so SHITTY it makes it hard to take another BREATH.
NOWHERE is perfect. life SUCKS practically EVERYWHERE. it's such a hard lesson to learn because of how much you just don't want to beleive it can happen. but when it hits you… IT HITS YOU, and in the next second you're knocked to the ground like you're Mike Tyson's wife.
everything sucks. everywhere sucks. everyone's dead. and no one cares about you.
one day you're walking around, and the next you're a pile of meat and bone in a dirt hole.